


STARING CONTEST WITH ROOMMATE’S CAT – part 12

by mnemememory



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Gen, Youtuber AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-09
Updated: 2019-03-09
Packaged: 2019-11-14 05:36:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,573
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18046508
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mnemememory/pseuds/mnemememory
Summary: [video description: a Bengal cat is sitting in the middle of the frame, eyes fixed on something just above the camera’s lens. He stays there for almost five minutes, not moving.A door slams just off to the side, and the cat flinches.“HA! I WIN! I WIN!”A pair of battered boots comes into the scene. “What is –?”“I WIN!”Text scrolls across the suddenly blank video: [Triumph is mine!]STARING CONTEST WITH ROOMMATE’S CAT – part 12NottTheBrave[subscribe]9,409 viewsPosted 23/02/2018Another Staring Contest With The Devil – Nott 3 | Frumpkin 9…SHOW MORE





	STARING CONTEST WITH ROOMMATE’S CAT – part 12

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[video description: A woman is standing in front of a tall wall, dressed in blue sweatpants and a black tank top. She has a long stick held loosely in her hands. Every few seconds, she spins it around so she can better show off her muscles.

Next to her is a tall man with dark skin and a long scar running up from his top lip and across his cheek. He is dressed very thoroughly in padded armour and is side-eyeing the woman and her big stick with what would appear to be a healthy dose of concern.

The woman waves her arms around. The man narrowly dodges underneath the stick.

“ _Hello_ , my lovely viewers,” the woman says, grinning. “Today, we’re going to film a man getting hit in the dick with my staff.”

“Beau,” the man says, genuine alarm settling across his classically handsome features. “I didn’t agree to that –”

The scene cuts ahead. The sun is well up in the sky by now. The man is even more thoroughly padded across every inch of his body, so much so that he can barely waddle around without falling over. He attempts to do so, shuffling to the side so he can stare balefully at the camera. Beau is nowhere to be seen.

“Hi,” he says. “My name is Fjord, over at CaptainTusktooth on YouTube, Twitter and Instagram” – links flash across the page, along with the words ‘lol go and tweet him GIF’s from The Ring’ – “And today, I’m going to be acting as a crash-dummy for –”

“ _Stop boring my viewers_!” Beau yells off-screen.

Fjord gives the camera a long stare. It zooms in a little bit to capture how dead inside he looks, the ambient upbeat music momentarily replaced with the sound of violins.

“This is what happens,” he says. “When you lose a bet with your girlfriend. Learn from my mistakes. Don’t make bets with your girlfriend. You will lose.”

Beau cackles off-screen. The tip of her staff whips along the edge of the frame as she warms up. Fjord looks at her, then back at the camera.

“Jester,” he says. “If I die, I want you to know that this is entirely your fault and –”

“Here I come!”

The scene cuts to Fjord giving a loud, high shriek as he stumbles back. The moment replays once in slow motion, the colour saturated out and violins playing in the background, and then cuts to them both standing in side-by-side.

“Okay, so here’s how to actually hit someone –”

Beau continues to demonstrate how to hit someone without actually hurting them, and then how to hit someone and _absolutely_ hurt them. Fjord remains stoic throughout, though ever so often he’ll make a pained face to the camera whenever Beau lands too-hard a hit. The video ends with a montage of Fjord’s uncomfortable faces overlaid with his initial scream].

 

**I Hit A Man So Hard He Screams | ft. CaptainTusktooth**

boBeauboBeaubo1

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16,754 views

_Posted 03/02/2018_

Join me and my crash-dummy and fellow YouTuber CaptainTusktooth (yes, that’s his real name) as I hit him a lot with my staff…

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[video description: A woman with short blue-dyed hair and glitter-dusted freckles is standing in front of an expensive-looking kitchen. Her apron has the words ‘My Cooking Is So Good Even The Smoke Alarm Cheers Me On’ stitched in pink thread across her chest. The intro theme – which consists of tiny bubble unicorns stampeding across the screen dragging the words ‘Jester Fancypants McGee!’ behind them – pops with a burst of sparkly animation.

“Happy Valentine’s Day!” Jester says, waving her arms around.

From behind the camera, a quiet voice says something. Words appear at the bottom of the screen:

[Yasha: Your right hand is out of frame]

Jester beams, shifting a little more to the right.

[Yasha: No, you have to go the other way]

Jester shuffles to her left. She seems to receive some kind of non-verbal confirmation that she is corrected positioned, because she starts back up again with no less enthusiasm.

“In honour of Valentines Day, we’re going to do be doing something _very_ special. Do you know what my favourite kind of cake is?”

There is a moment’s silence.

[Yasha: Wait, do you want me to answer that?]

 “Red Velvet Cake!” Jester yells at the same time, flinging her arms into the air. “And do you know what that reminds me of?”

Another moment of silence.

[Yasha: …blood?]

“Blood!” Jester yells at the same time. “Oh, you got it right Yasha! Good for you.”

There is a small sigh.

“Here’s what you’re going to need to make this very _wonderfully_ bloody Valentine’s Day Red Velvet Cake,” Jester says. She points at the white granite tabletop and snaps her fingers. Through the magic of jump-cut editing, it soon becomes littered with messily measured bowels of ingredients. Text appears to the side in curly lettering: _For ingredients and full recipe, check link to Jester’s blog in the description!!!_

The cake that takes form is less anatomically correct than artistically creative, complete with googly-eyes and a dramatically screaming mouth. Jester stands back from her work with a proud smile. She wipes her stained fingers down the length of her apron, which now resembles something out of a particularly gruesome horror movie. Her face is splattered with red food colouring, her nose tipped with a puffy smear of cream cheese icing.

“And there you have it!” she says proudly. “My Valentine’s Day –”

Someone stumbles into the scene. Fjord is very obviously tired, limbs dragging with lethargy, dark bruises visible along his arms. He takes one look at the destroyed kitchen, horror-movie girlfriend, and camera-setup, and then turns around and leaves. An edited frowny face follows him out of frame].

 

**the coolest and most fun valentine’s day cake in the history of ever**

Jester Fancypants McGee

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27,490 views

_Posted 12/02/2018_

Prepare for Vonderful Vampire Valentine’s Day with this one-of-a-kind Red Velvet heart – cake…

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[video description: Fjord is sitting on a comfortable-looking couch that is covered in all kinds of animal rug-skins. The person sitting next to him has shoulder-length blond hair and is almost comically well-dressed compared to Fjord’s own jeans and cowboy boots.

Fjord stares dead at the camera.

“Welcome,” he drawls. “To Fjord’s Yee-Haw Game Ranch.”

**Fjord’s Yee-Haw Game Ranch: Red Dead 2 ft. Bryce**

CaptainTusktooth

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15,783 views

_Posted 26/02/2018_

Well howdy there, partners! Welcome to Fjord’s Yee-haw Game Ranch, where I – Captain Tusktooth, AKA Fjord – and Bryce….

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[video description: a tall, skinny man is sitting calmly in the middle of a graveyard. The stones are warped and faded enough that the names are completely unrecognisable, the camera focused in a way that the shadowed trees are a black silhouette against his back.

“Hello, children,” the man says. He is dressed in bright pastels, his hair dyed a fluorescent pink. “Today we are going to make the perfect cup of tea.”

 He calmly sets up a tripod with a large, antique black kettle hooked over the top. He sets a small fire underneath it and sits and stares at the camera.

After five minutes of waiting, he checks the kettle and is apparently satisfied with the results, because he goes over to one of the graves and begin to pick some flowers. There is no sound other than the crackle of the fire and the distant, creak of tree branches pushed about by the breeze.

The man returns to his spot and begins to grind up some purple flowers in a mortar and pestle, gently brushing the contents the clay cup when he is done. He sits back with a low, contented sigh and stares at something behind the camera for a little while.

When the kettle begins to make some noise, the man gets to his feet and takes the kettle off the tripod, pouring it into the cup. He stirs it for a little bit with a small stick, and then blows gently over the top. Steam curls up from the cup towards the sky in delicate, smoky tendrils.

The man waits for a few minutes, and then takes a long, generous sip of the tea.

“Aaah,” he says. “Thank you for experiencing this with me, children. This is a very good cup of tea.”

 

**making the perfect cup of tea**

Mr. Clay

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20,001 views

_Posted 02/02/2018_

Making tea…

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[video description: the camera is focused downward at a table full of buttons. There is no apparent uniformity to the size, design or colour – some of them have the paint chipped away, while others sparkle in the dim lighting. There isn’t any room in the frame for the rest of the room. There is no background music.

“Good morning, everyone. Today I welcome you to my button collection.”

A pair of green-gloved hands reach out from both sides of the frame to shift around the buttons. More buttons are revealed.

“This is one of my favourites,” the disembodied voice says. The gloved hand grabs onto a small, clear glass button to hold it up to the lens. It swims in and out of focus for a few seconds. “There was a lovely tailor shop that I lived behind for a while which just _threw these away_ , can you believe –”

“Nott? Have you seen my cat?”

“ _I’m filming –_ ”

The scene cuts again. The lighting has changed and become much brighter. The buttons on the table have obviously been messed around with. The green-gloved hand is holding up another button up for the camera to inspect, this one bronze-looking and intricately designed.

“I found this one on the coat of a dead person washed up next to the sewer I was hiding behind. I had to polish it a lot to get the bloodstains out of the cracks, but I think it came out okay.”

The rest of the video continues in a similar vein, with the green-gloved hand choosing buttons from the table seemingly at random and relaying stories about each of them. At one point, a cat jumps up onto the table and starts pawing through the buttons, but the green-gloved hand shoos it away before it can eat any of them].

 

**EPIC BUTTON COLLECTION**

NottTheBrave

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2,354 views

_Posted 11/03/2018_

I share my button collection.

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BONUS

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 [video description: a tall, androgynous-looking man who has perfect purple-and-gold eyeshadow and is covered in tattoos stares fixedly at the camera. He is sitting cross-legged on a bed covered in throw-pillows that do not match. He is slowly tapping his nails – which are painted a lime green with glitter accents – along his knee.

“Well, well, well,” he says, lazily stretching out his shoulders. “I bet you thought I had died.”

Someone clears their voice offscreen.

“Well, I didn’t!” he continues hastily, voice bright and cheerful. “Which is the important thing to remember here. No one is dead. I continue to grace you with my presence through your computer screens. Less Mollymauk Tealeaf is still better than none!”

Another throat-clear, this time louder and more pointed.

Mollymauk rolls his eyes. “Since my last foundation tutorial seemed to go over well, I thought I should demonstrate some more advanced –”

Someone barges into screen, shoving Mollymauk off to the side and glaring at the camera. Her shirt if cobalt blue. Her arms are crossed in front of her chest. Her makeup is smudgy and old.

“Hey, Molly,” she says. “Why don’t you tell your lovely viewers _why_ you’ve been so radio silent these past few weeks.”

“I said you could watch so long as you didn’t interfere! This is going to be a mess trying to edit out –”

“No one wants to watch your _foundation_ , they want to know about –”

“I am a very private person, Beau, and I don’t appreciate –”

Someone comes into frame. She is very tall, with heavy dark makeup and frost-pale skin. Her eyes narrow at the bickering duo, and then she turns her back onto them.

“He got hit by a car,” she says.

“ _Yasha!_ Get back behind the camera!”

Yasha shrugs and goes out of frame. Mollymauk is currently in a headlock.

“Wait, on second thought, come and save me –!”

The scene cuts into the future, with Mollymauk and Beau sitting on opposite ends of the bed glaring at each other. They are both noticeably more dishevelled than earlier. Mollymauk’s makeup does, however, remain impeccable.

Words appear at the bottom of the screen:

[We put it to a vote. Molly was outvoted 2 to 1. You’re welcome]

“Fine,” Mollymauk finally says, sulkily uncrossing his arms and sitting up a little straighter. “This can be my impromptu Q&A! I haven’t done one of those in a while, anyway. To make a long story short –

“ _Very_ short,” mutters Beau.

“– I was run over by one of my exes.”

“One of your _asshole_ exes,” Beau says. “You always forget to mention that.”

“Well, I thought the fact that he ran me over with his car made that fairly self-explanatory.”

“People are stupid. They need things spelled out for them.”

“Well, maybe _you’re_ not –”

There is another jump cut. There are noticeably less pillows on the bed, and the ones that remain have been moved around. Beau is gazing sulkily off into the corner.

“I basically broke up with him because he started being a creep to some friends of mine,” Mollymauk says, glancing down at his nails. “And when they told me some of the things he said – well, it wasn’t exactly the most _heartbreaking_ decision I’ve ever made. It was rather cathartic, actually.”

“And then he ran you over with a car.”

“I’m _getting_ to that, calm down. Since Lorenzo wouldn’t stop harassing me, I decided to – well, you know what, that’s not a very internet-friendly story. Needless to say, he made the decision to cut off all contact.”

“ _With you_ ,” Beau mutters. Mollymauk ignores her.

“Unfortunately, he isn’t exactly – the hamster’s dead, but the wheel’s still turning, if you know what I mean. Since I’m rather publicly affiliated with this simply _charming_ young woman –”

“Fuck you, Molly.”

“– he decided to be rather _unpleasant_.”

Beau scowls. “This idiot pushed me out of the way of that car and was in a coma for a good week. Thanks, dickhead.”

“I’m _so sorry_ for saving your life, it won’t happen next time.”

[I just cut out the next part because I had to bleep everything out, and it wasn’t worth it]

The scene cuts again. Molly is sitting in centre frame, back straight and grin wide. Beau is nowhere to be seen. The bed is a mess, with most of the pillows shoved into the corner.

“Since this devolved a little, I guess my next video will have to be the foundation one! So sorry for that, my lovely viewers, but really what you need to know is that I’m _back_ and will once again be uploading on schedule. So long, farewell, and I’ll see you next time.”

Molly blows a kiss to the camera, and the scene ends.

 

**My Ex Ran Me Over With His Car | Impromptu Q &A With boBeauboBeaubo1**

Mollymauk Tealeaf

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2,097,364 views

_Posted 12/07/2018_

While I think the title is fairly self-explanatory, I do want to assure people that I’m all better now with only a few scars…

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**Author's Note:**

> I have like, whole backstories for this. It's ridiculous. I probably won't write them, but this made me laugh, so I figured since I haven't posted anything in a while I should post this!


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